With all of this talk of obedience, collars, kneeling at his feet and the like I supposeit would be difficult for one to believe that a women such as I could have started her submissive journey as The Top Dog. But that is what is the truth. I would be less then honest if I did not give you the entiree story.
I have had an innate knowing nearly of my adult life that I longed to be submissive to the right man. I hated myself for that knowledge. It went against what I had been taught by my father, by society and most importantly what I had learned in my tender years…men cannot be trusted they need to be managed!Manage them I did. In both my professional and personal life.
Lets start in my personal life. I learned very early that men can be very cruel. My father, although seemingly well meaning, taught me some very hard lessons. The consequences for my incorrect actions always were punishments that far exceeded the crime…all under the supposed guise of “teaching me a lesson that I would not forget”. The lesson it ended up teaching is that unless a man got what he wanted, when he wanted it…he was going to hurt you…BAD! The punishments were hardly ever physical but they were excessive. I learned that protecting myself from his “lessons” was the best way for ME to keep ME safe. So he was the first man I learned to manage. On the outside I gave him what he wanted. I was diligent, hard working, pure and polite. On my own time, I dealt drugs (diligently), indulged myself materially from all my hard work, and politely fucked the hell out of whomever I choose for the pure fun of it! None of his so called lessons actually produced what he believed in the illusion I allowed him to live in.The bottom line was I was safe from him and that’s all that mattered.
As you might guess the reality of my life ran me straight into more hard consequences, the most significant of which was getting pregnant without the benefit of a wedding ring. Needless to say I knew I would be in for some hellious lessons from dear ole Dad should I remain unmarried…so I married the “milktoast” of a man that I had broken up with months earlier…because he said he loved me and that the baby didn’t matter…as far as he was concerned..it was his, although he knew otherwise. For the next 18 years of my marriage I was the one in charge. He wanted nothing to do with leading or responsibility. Thank God he didn’t have a problem working for a living. He just had severe problems behaving like an adult. It did not take me long to realize that I in essence had 2 children, not 1 and that if we were going to get anywhere I was going to be the one that had to be in charge. We did do well financally, but as you can imagine the personal side of our relationship suffered. It was there that I learned the lesson that a women can’t be physically attracted to someone she does not love or respect…it did not take long for us to be sleeping in seperate rooms. But we were both committed to our daugther and we both realized that financially we were very good together so we stayed together. He found other outlets for his sexual urges and I stayed focused on my career. It was when those urges came to light and I truly believed I was wasting my life with this man and could do better on my own and still support my daughter that I asked for a divorce. I tried to keep it decent but in the end it went the way of most divorces and to this day we don’t speak. After divorcing I stayed single for almost 10 years. In that time I sincerely began to look for a man that I could respect, trust and love as he lead me asI still held the belief deep inside that – that is the way it truly should be. For most of that time I was devastatingly disappointed.
As for my professional life I was ruthless. Men were to be managed. How they were managed was decided based upon their worth to me. If they did as they were told, were pleasant about it, were excellent in their job performance, where respectfully silent when they received an ass chewing and perfomed whatever favor I needed when I needed it. I showered them with the best life possible in our industry. I saw to it that they made incredible amount of money, were home when they wanted and needed to be and had the best equipment the enitre company had to offer and were treated with respet by everyone who worked for the company. I made sure that they were treated as Gods among men..and they enjoyed the life they led.
For those who were marginal in their performance, who were inclined to agrue, who were never available when I needed a favor and had a tencdency to get mouthy when corrected. I was particularly cruel. You see these men were enjoying a good living not as good as the 1st group I described but better then industry average since they would not co-operate in the manner I desied I would basically turn into my father and make the consequences of their mistakes far worse then they needed to be. Once a drive was late with a produce delivery into NYC, when I chastised him for it he got very nasty with me. For that bit of nastiness I made him deliver everyone elses produce loads for almost 2 weeks. He was losing money hand over fist. He ended up coming into the office getting down on bended knee and begging for forgiveness. I acepted his apology but made him finish out the week delivering into the city just for spite.
And then there were those that were just plain useless. Once I determined that they would not be of any use to me..I just unceremonisly disgarded them. And I usually re-assigned them to a fleet manager that I knew they would hate…just because I could.
I often joked about having a black heart…in actually it was no joke. I ruled with an iron fist. I was very respected but not very well liked. Even the men in that I treated the best still feared ever getting on my bad side. I always made a point of making an example out of those that did not make me happy.
So now you can see where we started. I think you can already tell its is going to be a very interesting journey!