When I was Top Dog

Posted in Uncategorized on June 3, 2008 by hisobedientwife

With all of this talk of obedience, collars, kneeling at his feet and the like I supposeit would be difficult for one to believe that a women such as I could have started her submissive journey as The Top Dog.  But that is what is the truth.   I would be less then honest if I did not give you the entiree story. 

I have had an innate knowing nearly of my adult life that I longed to be submissive to the right man.  I hated myself for that knowledge.  It went against what I had been taught by my father, by society and most importantly what I had learned in my tender years…men cannot be trusted they need to be managed!Manage them I did.  In both my professional and personal life.  

Lets start in my personal life.  I learned very early that men can be very cruel.  My father, although seemingly well meaning, taught me some very hard lessons.  The consequences for my incorrect actions always were punishments that far exceeded the crime…all under the supposed guise of “teaching me a lesson that I would not forget”.  The lesson it ended up teaching is that unless a man got what he wanted, when he wanted it…he was going to hurt you…BAD!   The punishments were hardly ever physical but they were excessive.  I learned that protecting myself from his “lessons” was the best way for ME to keep ME safe.  So he was the first man I learned to manage.  On the outside I gave him what he wanted.  I was diligent, hard working, pure and polite.   On my own time, I dealt drugs (diligently), indulged myself materially from all my hard work, and politely fucked the hell out of whomever I choose for the pure fun of it!   None of his so called lessons actually produced what he believed in the illusion I allowed him to live in.The bottom line was I was safe from him and that’s all that mattered.

As you might guess the reality of my life ran me straight into more hard consequences, the most significant of which was getting pregnant without the benefit of a wedding ring.  Needless to say I knew I would be in for some hellious lessons from dear ole Dad should I remain unmarried…so I married the “milktoast” of a man that I had broken up with months earlier…because he said he loved me and that the baby didn’t matter…as far as he was concerned..it was his,  although he knew otherwise.  For the next 18 years of my marriage I was the one in charge.  He wanted nothing to do with leading or responsibility.  Thank God he didn’t have a problem working for a living.  He just had severe problems behaving like an adult.  It did not take me long to realize that I in essence had 2 children, not 1 and that if we were going to get anywhere I was going to be the one that had to be in charge.  We did do well financally, but as you can imagine the personal side of our relationship suffered.  It was there that I learned the lesson that a women can’t be physically attracted to someone she does not love or respect…it did not take long for us to be sleeping in seperate rooms.  But we were both committed to our daugther and we both realized that financially we were very good together so we stayed together.  He found other outlets for his sexual urges and I stayed focused on my career.  It was when those urges came to light and I truly believed I was wasting my life with this man and could do better on my own and still support my daughter that I asked for a divorce. I tried to keep it decent but in the end it went the way of most divorces and to this day we don’t speak.  After divorcing I stayed single for almost 10 years.  In that time I sincerely began to look for a man that I could respect, trust and love as he lead me asI still held the belief deep inside that  – that is the way it truly should be.  For most of that time I was devastatingly disappointed.

As for my professional life I was ruthless.  Men were to be managed.  How they were managed was decided based upon their worth to me.  If they did as they were told, were pleasant about it, were excellent in their job performance, where respectfully silent when they received an ass chewing and perfomed whatever favor I needed when I needed it.  I showered them with the best life possible in our industry.  I saw to it that they made incredible amount of money, were home when they wanted and needed to be and had the best equipment the enitre company had to offer and were treated with respet by everyone who worked for the company.  I made sure that they were treated as Gods among men..and they enjoyed the life they led. 

For those who were marginal in their performance, who were inclined to agrue, who were never available when I needed a favor and had a tencdency to get mouthy when corrected. I was particularly cruel.  You see these men were enjoying a good living not as good as the 1st group I described but better then industry average since they would not co-operate in the manner I desied I would basically turn into my father and make the consequences of their mistakes far worse then they needed to be.  Once a drive was late with a produce delivery into NYC, when I chastised him for it he got very nasty with me.  For that bit of nastiness I made him deliver everyone elses produce loads for almost 2 weeks.  He was losing money hand over fist.  He ended up coming into the office getting down on bended knee and begging for forgiveness.  I acepted his apology but made him finish out the week delivering into the city just for spite.

And then there were those that were just plain useless.  Once I determined that they would not be of any use to me..I just unceremonisly disgarded them.  And I usually re-assigned them to a fleet manager that I knew they would hate…just because I could. 

I often joked about having a black heart…in actually it was no joke.  I ruled with an iron fist.  I was very respected but not very well liked.  Even the men in that I treated the best still feared ever getting on my bad side.  I always made a point of making an example out of those that did not make me happy.

So now you can see where we started.  I think you can already tell its is going to be a very interesting journey!

If this was a perfect world….

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2008 by hisobedientwife

In my perfect world, with all of the knowledge I have acquired up until now this is how my life would be.

I would be a stay at home wife.  I would be a work at home paralegal.  I would be in a position to be available to Michael to tend to his needs on a full time basis. 

I derive great benefit from being collared and desire to be cuffed as well.  It is my desire to be this way when I am at home all the time. It provides me with the best physical reminder that I am no longer in charge and that I belong to Michael. I need this desperately.  When I have the opportunity to feel restrained I feel great peace inside.   That peace was real but fleeting the first time we embraced these practices.  Now that I have come to terms with truly trusting Michael implicitly, I sincerely crave the return of my bindings.   I want to experience that peace on a full time basis.   I have no issue expressing my submission and obedience publicly.  I am fully aware that Michael has trained my behavior to reflect deference to him and I am proud of this fact.   It is my sincere hope that it is noticed by others and that my behaviour reflects well on my husband.

In being a stay at home wife I would have greater opportunity to take better care of myself.  The healthier I became the more I would be able to physically show the immense respect I have for my husband by offering myself through kneeling and sitting at his feet on a regular ( not occasional) basis.  Having this ability is truly a heart felt desire.

I want to dress in a manner that is pleasing and accessible to my husband at all times. 

I truly wholeheartedly want these things.  I enjoy being under my husbands control and direction.  He is firm with me but he is also considerate of me abilities.  He is careful to stretch me past where I would take myself but not so far as to hurt or dishearten me.  

I sincerely want to experience being totally trained to his preferences while have the privilege of absolutely enjoying feeling possessed by and bound to him on a full time basis.

And that is my perfect world…my reality is that i fear being seen as mentally ill and thus not being taken seriously as a person.

I know I have all my faculties intact…I just have a heart to be submitted, obedient, bound and in complete service to my husband….now whats so crazy about that????

 

 

Where fantasy meets reality

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2008 by hisobedientwife

Most women who are naturally inclined to be submissive to their men are mostly likely service oriented with the addition of a particular sexual kink.   Those women who are not naturally inclined to be submissive but wish to learn should not feel that they need to alter there sexual practices in any way.

In this book it is my intention to write for both women.  The one who just wishes to improve her marriage thru submission and co-operation and the women who is a true service submissive and wishes to deepen her service to as well the outward expression of that service as well.

The concepts of submission and obedience are vaild for both women.  The only difference is in there expression.

For the women who is just looking to improve her marriage submission can be defined as outwardly beginning to respect her husbands opinions, by giving his requests priority in her day-to-day life and by acknowledging him as the leader in their home.   Obedience is the action that puts these basic things into actual practice.  

As a woman,  you must first accept these very basic principles as a absolute fact of life and you must practice them wholeheartedly and willingly first prior to making your husband aware of your efforts.

From personal experience, I made the mistake of telling my husband of my desire to submit and be obedient prior to having a firm grip on what I was really asking for.   As a women who has lead men her entire adult life it was not easy to relinquish the controlling aggressive behaviors which formulated the whole of my personality.   I sensed though that since my husband’s personality is even stronger then mine that one of us had to “drop their sword” as a manner of speaking or the relationship would implode.  In my heart I knew that it had to be me that dropped the sword.

Just because I realized this on my own, agreed with it in principle and truly desired to take our relationship to the next level does not mean that the practice of submission and obedience was by and means easy.   It was excruiatingly painful and difficult but I can testify that the results were well worth the pain.

The basics of obedience

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2008 by hisobedientwife

I have come to find that a wife who is openly obedient to her husband attracts attention, and not all of that attention is positive.

This week I had the experience of sharing my views with a few women at work.   Most of them strongly feel that I am wrong in my beliefs that a women should be submissive to and obedient of their husband.  It is my experience that the more I show my husband my willingness to accquise to his leadership, the more protective he becomes of me which in turn drives my desire to want to show him even more respect which then in turn presents him with the opportunity to shower me with more affection and the cycle continues to escalate in positive manner.  We are a happily married couple. 

Upon explaining all of this to these women, they all felt compelled to explain to me how I should not allow myself to be led…I need to ascert my independence and cause my husband to have to chase me for attention and affection.  That I should spend money as I please and force him to support me in the manner that I feel I deserve.   This type of behavior would give him reason to keep striving and trying and there maintain his interest in me and keep him busy enough that he does not  have time to even think about cheating…mush less the opporunity to do it.  They said ” we all know that men are wired to chase women and strive for better things.  Their philosophy covers both requirements.  They insisted that my husband would eventually become dreadfully bored with me and then seek out other women.

I respectfully disagreed.  I pointed out that it is extremely import for a man to be respected by his wife.  That they are correct in that a man is wired to strive and achieve but they are also wired to be the “kings” of their own castles and a significant embellishment of that kingship is a obedient queen.  A man will have a difficult time feeling respected if those in his own home will not follow him.  A man wants a spouse that is loving, loyal and devoted to HIM.  If he has a spouse that fulfills all those requirements he has no need to seek out another women.  For his wife in being those things, she will make sure all of his all of his needs are addressed from what he likes to eat,  how he likes the house kept, how he prefers his wife to look and last but not least how often he desires sexual attention from her.   A wife who is truly submitted to him will sincerely want him to be happy. As she does her best to ensure his happiness, he in turn will reward that care with what she needs in return.  I did my best to explain to them that a man who is getting his needs met at home will not have a reason to consider leaving…he is getting want he needs and wants.  Men are very practical and logical most will not risk losing a solid relationship where they are respected for a quick thrill that might cost them everything.  Another bonus when you have a submitted and obedient wife…she is usually looking for the next way of supplying that thrill…anyway.

 

Making the connection

Posted in Uncategorized on May 23, 2008 by hisobedientwife

The connection is made between submission and obedience when a woman chooses to humble herself and do as her husband tells her, without argument. 

Unconditional trust is the catalyst that allows a woman to make that humble gesture.   Ask any woman if she trusts her husband and most with say,  Yes,  most assuredly.  Follow that question with “Do you trust your husband not to let you suffer?”  and you may get an entirely different answer.

The disconnection between submission and obedience for a woman is centered in the belief that although she wishes to submit, on some level she still believes that she has to protect her own self interest and in protecting that self interest she will, without fail, run head long into disobedience.

By in large, men are very black and white in nature.   If you tell a man that you want to submit to him, he automatically beleives that in that submission will be obedience to his desires.  When obedience has to be fought for it causes all types of inter-personal issues.

When submission does not mean obedient

Posted in Uncategorized on May 7, 2008 by hisobedientwife

I believe that obedience to ones mate begins with the choice of a woman to be submissive and obedient to her own internal nature that she believes to be true.

Personally, when I made the statement to my husband that I wanted to be “submissive” to him, I had not yet truly made the choice to be obedient as well. Submission and obedience go hand-in-hand.  I have spoken with many women who wish to be “submissive” but can’t bring themselves to be “obedient”.  This causes a major conflict in the relationship.   When a man hears that his mates desires to submit, he automatically also hears that she will obey.  That you may say is a reasonable assumption but after living the experience, I would beg to differ.

For a woman the who has gotten to the place that she knows she desires to submit, it is usually driven by the wholehearted need to no longer compete with their mate for the leadership position in the relationship.  From personal experience I can honestly say that although I had reached the point where I wanted to surrender to his leadership, the concept of what obedience really is was completely forgein to me.  I did not fully understand what obedience was.

A woman can drive a man absolutely crazy when they do not understand how to obey.   For me, I could obey when I agreed.  Ah, but when I did nnot agree I still believed I had the right to push my point and force issues because I truly beleived that he was wrong and that by truly being a “good” wife I would agrue the point to the death (or pretty close to it) to keep him from making a “mistake” and taking us down a wrong road.

I had no problem with certain other behaviors.  I was able to submit to my husbands authority in public.  Without too much strain I was able to get the hang of allowing him to speak first, as well as, breaking myself of the habit to speak for him.   I was able to defer to him in matters of simple preference, (i.e. clothing or nail polish) but strong preference became the eternal battle.  

I know that I am happiest when my husband is my true Dominant and I am his true submissive.  When I allow myself to relax into those roles and stay there I become truly become peaceful and serene  as his wife and submissive.   I derive a peace that passes most people’s understand in the act of wearing a collar that my husband places around my neck.  Placing that collar around my neck and being able to look at me wearing it was a tremendously positive experience for him as well.  But trouble arose and the spell was broken when I could not connect submission to obedience.   My husband was experiencing issues of his own that exacerbated the situation but ultimately we experienced the crash and burn of our once very promising D/s relationship.

In my next post I will explain how I made submission and obedience connect.

 

In the beginning

Posted in Uncategorized on May 1, 2008 by hisobedientwife

Since when did obeying one’s husband become a good idea.

It has been alittle over year that I have been exploring the idea of female obedience and submission in a  committed relationship.  For the better part of that year, it has been an insincere exploration, at best.

Within the last 2 weeks I have gotten serious about it and in that time I have noticed amazing changes. The more I submit and obey Michael, the better our relationship becomes.

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